athelstanent | Recent Entries

Some days it's not worth it to try and communicate to the outside world.

I'm sure I could get past this shit mood, where I know my rule set for self is messed up because the only logical conclusion is I am broken (try to not be rude to others with my jagged edges), by connecting my emotions up, letting out the pain and flustration and crying, and then be in a better mood with no options.

Until deciding what I want and sharing it with others does not seem like a dare, I need to keep trying.

I'm working. I look fine.

My emotional state is failing. I need to cling on to those things of safety and self to help shore myself up to keep going.

Ha ha! Sure was clothed, fed, and sheltered growing up. None of the other things I just listed.

Sure I can repeat "I am enough" until the cows come home.... because we all relate to milk cow production and cows coming home to have there full teats drained.

Fuck this. Again I am left all on my own to make a guess about myself. Even if someone was willing to listen to me, how long until my normal way of thinking and talking becomes too much for them to understand? I'm also 47, white, and a big beard - no one tells me when I'm speaking gibberish. They nod and move on.

I gave up enjoying anything because I want to. Where is my reward! Fuck everything. I'm just wrong about everything and my dubious grasp on reality and how it works keeps getting eroded now that I do not delude myself into thinking I do know something.

I've worked my way into a comfortable node of no escape. Talking to others about how I feel and think is met with confusion. Even my therapist, has to tell me bluntly, I'm speaking gibberish. Like now.

I have never been out star gazing with a telescope and seen anything thing space related. This is in spite of time spent learning about these things.

My carrier with computers covers most of my life. I've never written a program and do not know what to do with a computer. If my job didn't tell me what they needed done I would never do anything.

I studied math in college for years. I do not know what to do with it. I've read hundreds of popular science books about physics and do not know how to use the math for physics.

Pride is a lie for others so they will leave me alone.

Learning is to not be ignorant for others.

I should be putting this all in a paper journal. It's cool. I think I've scared off the well meaning people who want to aid me. I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style.

Now that I know I have emotional dysegulation.

Why do I get to define myself? It's too self-referential. Doesn't matter what I feel or think, it's wrong and I am not an expert on myself.

I need attention. I need a hobby. I need so much, and I got to be the one to pick it.

Fuck it all.

Back to doing shit for work so that I am paid an excessive wage that makes me feel guilty. It is not like I get any praise or thanks for what I do. I'm the fucktard who makes everyone's life more shitty because my boss wants me to follow policy.

I don't know. If I could be happy then I would know what to do to make my life better.

Where I wonder when will my savior arrive, tell me who I am and what to do and when I do those things I find satisfaction and contentment in my efforts in my place in this world.

*sighs*

I'm an odd duck raised by other odd ducks who told me to conform. Why do I have to be different? Why was I punished for trying to obsess on things?

How do I find my place? Choose my place? Find things I enjoy? Know my effort to enjoy things is correct...

All of this is me screaming at the void that if I pick anything then it must be wrong. The only way to make what I pick if I am the only person in the universe. So far therapy has taught me to keep being emotional and to honor my emotions to deal with this.

Fuck this is my Monday emotions after a chill weekend.

Bonus - at least this isn't being put on FaceBook. No one fucking understands how to choose what one likes when one was abused for their choices growing up.

Too often I want what I thought I wanted. I need to figure out what I need now.

I loath that I have not sorted out a feed back loop of knowing what to do and pursuing interests.

I'm going to stick with it.

I don't give myself enough credit for what I do know. Yeah my job is pushing a button with over ten layers of abstraction and electrons moving on a silicon wafer. It's something.

That part of me that is a dwarf - in that tolkien fantasy way - is trans masc. In no way am I co-opting trans. In no way am I trans. The trans experience being told helps me understand a bit of me. Thank you.

You're ya human Harry.

Fuck TERFs and Rowling. The meme fit.

I used your love for motivation
I see my mistake
Now
All the love you give
I use to love you more

I just cried out a bunch of frustration and anger.

Post nut clarity sometimes be like that.

Did find a new genera of music. Xenharmonic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttYOd0Hz6rI
Everything in my life has oddly prepared me to enjoy this music and visuals.

I just connected my brain to my feelings through my heart and working down!

I'm whole.

Tonight I focused on increasing my stamina bar. Got more things to do!

Putting in effort - hit my limit. I'll do better next time. I'm filling in the -1/12 integrating myself into a full person. Fuck. Not like I got people to talk with this about outside of my therapist. Never be a burden to anyone. Never had a problem. Only do and spend. No joy or happy! No one gave me permission. If I give myself permission I might make a mistake! Can't have that. I shouldn't learn. I should know.

Fuck, as natural and easy and truthy it feels to say the above. It's rubbish. I'm needing touch, got abuse, I keep going back to the wire mother hoping to get what I need.

I'm grey lumping the universe rather than face the fear of making new social bonds because I need them... not because I need them for a parasocial relationship to the world.

"I will not compare myself to others" is my homework. Fine. Then what? WHAT?

The answer to this is the hallow center where "Me" is missing needs to be filled in.

I had another really fun night. I like these.

Balls. I do not know if I am a sadist. I do know that I crave attention and was largely given negative attention growing up. I'm also very concrete in thinking.

Nothing like two little comments by my therapist at a time I was looping.

Like what would it be like to have people to talk to and do things with... it's hard to let go and try again for these things.

Like with all things it's not people to talk to or do things with.... it's finding my voice and allowing myself to enjoy things. Fuck knows I do not need to start a talk with someone to only then go from zero to WTF because no one would take my screams and saying no growing up as real. Yeah I know it's a plush animal and if I scream like I'm being hurt when my teddy was hurt over and over again maybe talk to me about it and not just talk to the others in the room saying "Well he'll need to get over it eventually". I did. I hate myself. No one can explain to me why I should care about myself. I have to choose it apparently.

Doing something for myself is NOT selfish.

I really thought that if I gave enough attention to other people then they would not only pay attention to me, they would know what I wanted attention for. That's what I've done over and over and over... oh. That's largely negative because people can not read each others minds and not their own.

How do you all manage to do anything for yourselves? I mean I know I must be sorting my own needs to some level. Fuck - two posts in one day? Dinner then chilling doing nothing is on tap.

Getting better and also having a day where it is easier to make myself feel like shit that deserves all the bad things rather that put effort into anything. WHEEEEE

I'm the weirdo that other people tolerated. I'm the one who got fucked over before I even got to school to not have friends. I'm the one who see all the people over the decades that I've helped out heal and get on with their lives while I'm still stuck trying to enjoy anything if I'm at the core. I learned how to people please so hard and hoped that by studying hard enough I would find something that tells me the universe lets me and expects me to enjoy anything....

So i'll get back to work. I'll make some money. Hope that I can sort out how to make things better in my life with out loosing everyone because I can't have friends until I like myself enough to give a shit about myself to do something better.

All because I think if I like something I'll get too emotional and be shut down.

This is all on me now. Those that hurt me growing up have no influence over me now.

I really wish I could talk to someone... thing is learning to speak only for the benefit of others doesn't make it any easier. I don't need someone to hear me I need the confidence to speak. Then to realize I'm so stuck in my head I will not be understood.

Turns out if I conform and make everyone comfortable that I will not be happy.

I mean how in the fuck do you enjoy something and share that with anyone else?

Fuck this sinus headache.

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BurleyBoar

I know statistics, but I'm still disappointed that I'm average.

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Part of me are the Dursleys

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I choose to use the metaphors I live my life as to adjust myself

Burn out and filling in the -1/12 gap

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Concrete Sadist

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June 2025

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