athelstanent | Not a good day

I'm the weirdo that other people tolerated. I'm the one who got fucked over before I even got to school to not have friends. I'm the one who see all the people over the decades that I've helped out heal and get on with their lives while I'm still stuck trying to enjoy anything if I'm at the core. I learned how to people please so hard and hoped that by studying hard enough I would find something that tells me the universe lets me and expects me to enjoy anything....

So i'll get back to work. I'll make some money. Hope that I can sort out how to make things better in my life with out loosing everyone because I can't have friends until I like myself enough to give a shit about myself to do something better.

All because I think if I like something I'll get too emotional and be shut down.

This is all on me now. Those that hurt me growing up have no influence over me now.

I really wish I could talk to someone... thing is learning to speak only for the benefit of others doesn't make it any easier. I don't need someone to hear me I need the confidence to speak. Then to realize I'm so stuck in my head I will not be understood.

Turns out if I conform and make everyone comfortable that I will not be happy.

I mean how in the fuck do you enjoy something and share that with anyone else?

Fuck this sinus headache.