BurleyBoar

... fuck me I love information firehoses set to random....
The front bit is trunkated....
profile/burleyboar.bsky.social

I need to get my planning ass in gear and do more trips to people. It does me well if I can manage to sort it. I'm working on it. (Woah I'm writing this knowing it will have an audience....)

Getting to the point being that this trip started out as a good reminder I'm not alone and can be in groups. My friend Joe got 8 older leather bear men together for sightseeing and serious power exchange. Why was I here? I do not play. Play is an affectation. Then the first night at the cabin someone finds my one switch and I grunt, spasm, and nut to the delight of the rest of the men. The next day the local man and I had a moment where we shared our lives and out deepest traumas (I tend to pull that out of folks). Then a good fire pit, cigar, banter and chat, and then, some how through my tiredness, that same local man worked me over. He worked me starting with a foot massage. Then I unspooled grunting, groaning, and pulling out my inner self.

For lack of a better term, I'm spastic kid who learned to keep still and quiet to survive. So in a safe place with people who understand - they made me grunt and moan and spasm by touching my skin. I recovered some seriously deep repressed memories and stayed in the moment. Ended up having an ass loving pig eat me out while the third joined in to help. So kind.

It's the morning after, and I nopped out of todays optional sigh seeing. Still processing.

To be clear - this is all amazing and wonderful and I'm processing and sharing to help not run away from the good.

PNC: I figured out something about myself. A HUGE sticking point. I unstuck it. That's why I have the thing. It's not an externality generated thing. It happened because I got stuck.

Love yourself

So entertainment is about enjoying something for yourself and then possibly talking about it with others...

Yesterday I had a moment to talk with some good friends and lay out my anxiety and stress. I'm drained and feel unburdened. Now what?

Well all my things are packed away for a remodel.

I chase feelings caused by my actions?

Me? Someone at 48 who realizes now that I can make and arrange my spaces any way I want and that I can make things, create things, appreciate things.... It's too much. I have to accept I have limits and preferences.

Well back to micro cries and trying to sort that it is not morally negative to be around other people and interact with them to change my emotional mood....

I really thought everyone really wanted to be alone and dependent on as few people as possible. I thought I had to make my own little inner world and be so alone. Now I could of been rough housing, making things, and interacting with others in neutral and positive ways

When will my morality mature to understand that those who hurt me were using neutral things in negative ways and now I bind myself to never do those things they did and cripple mhyself for it?

Horrible people have positive ideas. Horrible people enjoy things. The things they enjoy are not tainted by others who do the same thing.

I am not morally negative for enjoying what I enjoy... now to let myself enjoy what I enjoy after pending a life of pushing it out the wrong way.

Well this journal is not helping me get up or sort what to do. It's easier to whinge than to do anything. I would rather spend my energy convincing myself and others that I should give up and do nothing. As they say, I should not make my personality be all about the things I was told and shown growing up. I'm mentally moving ana and kata while respecting the -1/12 boundary for infinity.

People have asymmetries compared to other people. I have to accept people are different. Then I can accept I am different. Then I can be me because I let you be you.

I know I need to chill and I can use some reason with this need. I can use what I have better and not cut into recovery mode as a big lump.

Today at work I messed up. In the scale from "reformatting 20,000 machines possibly killing some people" to "Typo" this was a 3. I shat myself and spun up. Thing was my boss was cool, a member of my team sorted the first bit, and when dog piling on remediating 90 machines we were all joking.

So I was surrounded by positive, there were a few mitigating things to change to help this from not happening again, and I'm still filled with a bunch of desire to hate myself to make up for it. I don't need to. Can't shake it... I'm working on it.

Compared to previous this is monumental progress.

No journal at work today...

Waiting for a program to respond I had a flash back to all of the times when I was young where I had to focus and pay attention. I could feel the stress and pain in my body. I am seeing now how I could see the entire act of choosing to wait has been wrapped up in so many other negative things. I have choice and I know the price I pay to keep on focus. I need to honor the effort I made and not compare myself to others.

Another day, another post nut clarity. I will adapt. It is what I do.

I'm rewiring deep shit. I grunt pure emotion working down there.

Fuck I would give money for a good amount of pure e and a weekend alone.

No one can take my feelings away from me.

My feelings are mine and me.