I did it...
Jun. 20th, 2025 09:03 pmToday I tired myself out emotionally with work. Going to the gym and sorting things about dinner I lashed out. I didn't realize how ill both my housemates were. I was out of emotional regulation and asking them to sort pizza seemed reasonable until they expressed they could not... I on some level was relying on others to aid me. It did not happen. I lashed out that I would sort it then as I walked out to go to the gym. I then apologized and they understood. I sat with my emotions they went negative and bumped into those around me negatively. This is what I never wanted to have happen; so I could never be me. I'm okay after being what I could never be.
Today I've been me.
So I've been me all day. Hell bonus - I ordered the next size down for my normal cigar. I am enjoying it. Old me would only have the biggest and always be on and ready to be performative with it.... I really want a good cigar. Smoking is bad... so... Yeah. I smoke cigars. I smoke... another thing I could never be because I hated my parents for inflicting their smoking on me.
Yeah childhood me.... you didn't get every thing correct on the first go. Let it go with me and let's go figure out how to play and play with others.
Today I've been me.
So I've been me all day. Hell bonus - I ordered the next size down for my normal cigar. I am enjoying it. Old me would only have the biggest and always be on and ready to be performative with it.... I really want a good cigar. Smoking is bad... so... Yeah. I smoke cigars. I smoke... another thing I could never be because I hated my parents for inflicting their smoking on me.
Yeah childhood me.... you didn't get every thing correct on the first go. Let it go with me and let's go figure out how to play and play with others.
authentic voice?
Jun. 9th, 2025 07:58 pmFunny how I miss those things I did before the house of me fell apart. That's the problem with having to make any effort to do anything not yours. I've done so much and made so much happen and in rebuilding my house of me I can't think of things I got done! That motivation method is so negative that it's got the memories out of me because of turning up anxiety to process into planning things with others or to enrich myself. The pathway to recovery is those roots of things that worked around the negative process.* My interest in Japan, eutopias (fictional and real attempts), thick media (books, movies, plays, and music)... is all me. It's no wonder I kept running away from people and situations when it got good. The other people got so sincere that it forced the hollowness of what I was going in to the light. I thought if I pushed hard enough I could get what I thought they were getting out of an activity. I mean fuck, table top rpgs I liked my dice and the journal of me as the character was more interesting than everything else. Fuck, I guess it's not only abusers who get make stories up with others. With the right trust you don't need control everything... that you can handle the emotions of others going places you didn't want to go. I guess the "illusion of control" goes both ways...
*: editing note - In some ways I had to of enjoyed what I did in libraries and enriching myself. I got to build connections between these partitions of self.
*: editing note - In some ways I had to of enjoyed what I did in libraries and enriching myself. I got to build connections between these partitions of self.