athelstanent: (Yoshi)
I got a new car. It drives like a dream and it's small!Read more... )
athelstanent: (Totoro)
I think I’m finally growing up. I’m realizing that the onerous task of living can only be done by me. The catch is that every thing is not fixed. Growing up on has the feeling of permanence. Then you learn slowly that things are not certain. You move, parents get divorced, things break, and then you find yourself changing.

I looked for who I should be in the library. I started with fiction. Fantasy and science fiction is where I got my dose of Life: The way is should be. Then I looked in sexuality books trying to find a home for myself. No luck their. They only confused me. I one point I looked at each chapter of Kinsey and tried to be that. Hite did not help, because I took every answer to every question she posed as a different answer. Ooops, turns out I don’t fit in any category. Most people don’t and those who do, are lucky. They fit a template. Answers given as a life style or living out the averages.

I know statistics and still forget that I’m a single piece of data. I think I should be the mean, or being a few sigma out is somehow who I am. I keep looking for certainty, but the truth is I build the life I want by setting up the circumstances and settings I like and thing becoming dynamic.

Hell, same thing with god. I give up a dogma, get trapped in living in the anti-dogma. How easily I forget the wise advice I got when I was 22. Religion is what you make it. There is no answer, only what you make of it. Life is what I make of it. I am trapped by emotions and thoughts 30 years old. Learning to feel and think with the default assumption that I am ok, is hard. I’ve had 30 years to craft a narrative that I am worthless. I built up ramparts and moats around that wrong idea pounded, mostly figuratively, into my head.

Why am I rambling? For myself, to sort out these ideas in my head. To realize that I know who I am and what I want, but I can’t be my true self as script and affectation of who I am.
athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
I’m flying home today from Texas. I’ve not talked much about this trip. Mostly because I had no cover story. This trip was all about sex. It ended up being about much more. The wonderful man I visited would like some discretion. So let’s call him Cigar Dad. Plenty of cigar daddies around that should be safe enough.

I get in and my luggage does not arrive with me. My bags show up two and a half hours later and I got a $50 voucher for my next flight. Not bad, and I can live with it. So me and my cigar daddy get to his place. We are talking, and he pulls out a cigar. He is such a sexy man, and he’s doing everything right to push all of my buttons. I’ll not go into detail about what we did, but what happened to me. It became very clear early on, that my pleasure was what daddy wanted. I panicked for about a minute until I realized I had no choice. I enjoyed myself on every level. We went to local restaurants, talked, found a shared love of music, and I was a good boy for my cigar dad.

So I just had many days where my needs were met, and in having my needs met I mutually pleased my cigar dad. He paid attention to me more than any other person ever has. More importantly, this weekend did more to change my default setting than anything. The part of me that pushes me down and makes me feel worthless, has been damaged. I plan to keep up on my assault. Too bad I had a little head cold that stopped me for an evening.

athelstanent: (Tron)
Last week I went into therapy. This will be round three for me. I’ve had six therapists and a round 0 that doesn’t really count. My new therapist is very very good. He lists dealing with people with out an identity to help them establish an identity. He is the only person I’ve ever talked with who seemed to understand what I was going through. I appreciate my friends, but none of them seems to understand that I have negative self-esteem. That there is a part of myself that actively tries to subvert my happiness and enjoyment of life. It’s hard for people to understand that suggesting “Relax and do what you want” is that scariest thing for me. My therapist has, to me, radical ideas on how to confront my issue. He realizes that understanding an issue, being able to talk about how to solve it and going through the motions of fixing it, are not the same thing as feeling it and living it. I really do not want to be Apollo or Dionysus, but to be Cygnus. Thanks to Rush and their album Hemispheres for this idea.

Identity… that is an interesting thing for me. People who know me know that I have things I enjoy. Well, there is a rub to all of this. Allowing myself to enjoy what I do, and not feeling guilty for what I do. I also can get so wrapped up I can convence myself that nothing that I do is really what I enjoy. It’s just what I think I should enjoy. Then I try to figure out what is valid and how to test for that. Then it all falls apart as I have no way of knowing what or who I should be if I’m the only one that matters in it all. No answer to this one, yet.

cross-posted -
athelstanent: (Voltan)
It's the day before I would drive down to FC. Every time I decide not to go, my anxiety melts away. Then I relax and think "Wow, I would love to go to FC." Then the anxiety kicks in again. Everyone I've talked with about this says that I should just go, relax and be myself. Ah, being myself is the most anxiety provoking thing for me to do. It all stems from a low or negative self-esteem. At this point I'm undecided about going to FC. I do not want to disappoint people who were looking forward to seeing me. I also do not want anxiety so large that it causes me to break down from it. I did figure I should explain it for everyone.
athelstanent: (OtterSleeping)
So, things were made much easier for me last night. I had forgot that I had signed up to take Japanese 102 again this term. I also did not realize that it started last Tuesday.... I need to back up some.

I had determined finally that I was going not only go to FC but also take Japanese. Tuesday I looked up to see if I could still get into the class. That's when I found out I had already signed up for it. I assume this was in November? I really do not remember. Then I went to class last night. I looked up how much I needed to pay. The answer, $430 for the class and another $160 for the book and workbook. I now can not afford the con. I could put it on a credit card, but will not. I am working myself out of debt.

The part that I hate is the drama king that I have been about going to the con. That is obviated now. Thank you to all who talked with me about the con. It really helped.
athelstanent: (OtterSleeping)
I've started a blog on my website, but I've done nothing to promote it. So here is the link I also need to cross post my last entry.

Read more... )
athelstanent: (Lightcyle)
So my new room mate and I worked tonight on removing the old shower. That went very well, but during this I decided with some trepidation/rebellion to put on some old mod/s3m/it/xm music. The second song in I mention "Hey if you don't like this just let me know." He looks at me and with an odd shrug "I don't care. It's not my music." Later on I mention how confused I was about this. That I should not of imposed my music on hum. He mentioned that it was my space and my tunes, he was imposing on me. For all the strides I made in ego and self-esteem this is a glaring gap.

Still processing this and how to come to a new understanding about this all.

Update: So three people said the same thing to me. This was a good interaction with nothing odd happening. Hmm, I guess my angst was in the fact that I could choose what I wanted to listen to, I wasn't chastised for it, and I can just listen to what I want. I can do what I want because I want to. Sometimes that just freaks me out. I have no one or nothing to appease. Left to myself to do what I want, I sometimes just panic. That's what I need to work on.
athelstanent: (TotoroGift)
Walked to the store
Rain falling down me
Golden sun lighting my path
Sweet confection in my mouth
Full moon in front of me
athelstanent: (OtterSleeping)
So I'm getting older. This hit home yesterday when my last biological grandparent died. She died last Friday, but I didn't check a voice mail from my dad left on Friday. I found out by reading an email from my brother. I then left work, ate lunch and took a nap. As I was waking up I realized that I had no good memories of my grandma. She was not a bad person. She just was a gossiper and complainer. I never had a good connection with her. I didn't want to hear about genealogy or about being Cherokee. Now that I'm interested, it's too late. I'm not looking forward to what will be a contested will. I really don't care so I'll go back to my den.

Well this is all adding to the mix of me trying to sort things out. On top of selling my house. So time to hunker down and keeping at it. It being learning to live a full life on my own terms.
athelstanent: (human)
Well I'm in San Diego visiting to wonderful men. It has been a most amazing experience. Old town San Diego was great. Had a pipe at a shop that had been selling cigars and pipes for over a hundred years. Then we went to the San Diego Zoo! Wow, it is an amazing place. I feel silly for not planning for it better and realizing it was there. FYI, the damn Three's Company theme song was running through my head when I saw those carts. Then back for stakes.

The big thing for me is to take moments and reset myself to accept all the attention and love. The layers of filth on my heart weighing me down have been melting away. It's going to be hard to accept all that is happening, but I'm up for the challenge.

Well now it's time for a photo shoot and later on a bear pool party.
athelstanent: (Voltan)
Yesterday, I received and installed a solid state drive for my main computer. I did everything up right, updated the firmware, fresh install of win7 to align the sectors, set the bios to AHCI and disabled many things in windows 7 (such as the swap file) and got that thing humming along great. My system is so much faster, but it's not magic. I'm left today knowing I have an even faster system that will do anything I throw at it with speed and grace. I'm still left feeling a little empty today. The object of my obsession didn't fix anything. It did not magically give my life context and meaning.

The better thing is realizing that while I'm down, I'm not tragically upset. I'm still on my quest for meaning and fulfillment, or to change my self so that I really enjoy the abundance of good in my life.
athelstanent: (BigPipe)
Well I got up this morning and thought "Good Coffee and Voodoo Doughnuts sound really good." So I figured I could drive in to work picking up stump town and picking up doughnuts. So around 5:10 I get to stump town and they are closed... ah well I know I can get doughnuts. Voodoo on Sandy opens at 6, but the guy going in said down town was open. So I head on down there. A sign on the window says "Sold out, open at 6:30." Well shit. I head up to work noting that the down town stump town is closed as well. I console myself to the fact that at least I can have a yummy viso... and the f'ing Plaid Panty is closed.... on marquam hill the close the Plaid in the middle of the night. What the hell? So me and my coworker say "f'this" have the other guys open and I end up with craptasic starbucks and an ok pastry.

Work is productive and full of talks about the roll of production in the US, prosperity and population control, how the world is exporting pollution to China, and farts. For the week the winner of the "That's what your mom said last night" was "You're not going to take my ball setup?"

Then I drive home in traffic that's held up by the testing the hawthorne bridge traffic control. No, not raising the bridge, but just testing the drawbridge traffic gate.

So I get home... clean up the back and nap. Then I meet up with Doug. A pipe daddy. We spend time snuggled with pipes, drinking scotch and talking. It was wonderful. Then I do end up pawing off, but it was more comforting and relaxing than any thing else. Then I come in to eat some food and play St. Petersburg! Wow, a great ending to a bad day. Now for me SSD to come in for my main box. Over time paying for cool toys is another good balance.
athelstanent: (TotoroCelebrate)
Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep and to turn off my mind I had a vision. It was the house I want to live in and the house I would like to die in. The details, the lay out, the feel of the place all came to me and worked out. The only thing that really defines it is that it is small. A 20' x 30' house at most, smaller if I can make the space work out. On my way into work I filled in more details in my head. Question is where to put it? Well I have some long term goals now.

Road trip!

Mar. 7th, 2010 09:22 pm
athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
All right. I'm going to This trip will involve leaving Portland at 5 am, getting to the park and spending the entire time it's open there and then spending the night it Crescent City. Then up to Brookings and a morning walk up to Rainbow Rock. Then a trip up the coast for the best Nachos at Roger's zoo in North Bed. Then a stop at Yesterday's Books next door. Then over to Wild Life Safari. Then back home! Stopping where we want and enjoying the ride. Who's with me? I've got room for three others in my car! Preference to those I know better and to those who can help out with gas and hotel room.

Possible stop by Any one know how good it is?
athelstanent: (Tron)
So this weekend both me federal and state taxes came in. So I broke down and got me a SSD for my laptop. I'll give you all this one statistic. From boot to finder went from 65 seconds to 17 seconds. My laptop also is cooler and and the batter lasts longer.
athelstanent: (BagerBalm)
After a month I went back to therapy to tell my therapist I did not want to continue therapy. We talked for 40 minutes. He talked about what he saw I had to work on and how my anxiety stopped me from really working on it. I ripped out with how much anxiety therapy itself caused and the projection I pushed on to him from helping me with the hard work. Much like cursing the name of a coach who pushes you hard. When I realized the conversation would have no end, I ended it by saying this was pointless and walking out the door. No animosity, but no pats on the back either.

What came up was the fact that I still have an authority problem in my head. My other big issue is that I still don't know who I want to be... because every time I see how I want to be I get angry with myself. I am not worthy... yeah I know that's BS, but the emotions are real. I'll work on these issues myself and then see if I need help of a professional when the time comes.
athelstanent: (TotoroCelebrate)
It's been a week sense I went to Further Confusion. I should state that it was a complete success as I went by myself to do nothing and found people and hung out with them. More than that, I met people that are becoming really good friends. Now getting to the con was another matter. In Yreka I had to get chains. Then they decided to just close the freeway. The friendly CHP officer advised me that if I was to take California hwy. 96 that I should get a full tank of gas. So I took the very beautiful road from Yreka to the coast and added 8 hours to my driving time. Getting back the passes were snowed, but following the snow plow at 30 MPH was safe.

I did get to the party floor and finnaly met Sabot and Kitty. Sorry I didn't stay long... I had a three way with two sexy bears to get to. I had a good time meeting Siege, Cyberbear, wildw0lf... oh and others. I'm so bad with names. Expect me to edit who I met as names come to me.

The pleasant surprise was and picking one of there bear PJs... been wearing it every night sense the con.

The suck was the lack of a slack tour.
Page generated Oct. 20th, 2017 06:39 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios