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Playing catchup
Nov. 3rd, 2020 01:00 pmWell I need to state something in a public place to initiate normal human interactions... Yeah, bad day today, and I don't think it's the elections. My therapist keeps doing exactly what I asked for - break me so I can heal correctly. So today I'm realizing "Wow, I need comfort. I should seek out someone else to air with my comfort." Except I've never really done this and when I did the only examples I had to use are things I learned from my parents. Therapy has a side step to all of this. Sit in your body and listen to it as you interact, forgive yourself for how you interacted in the past, and realize that you are with another human just as complex as you are.
*sigh* Hard to do the above.
Now to sit mindfully and undo some shit I did to myself. You know things like programming myself to not be attracted to people during adolescence lest I think lustful thoughts and sin. My favorite is just wanting to look at a sexy man, and then use that to fantasize with... to want to be with a man to the point you'll be a reasonable human to interact with them more to get the sex. Then again what about all those people I don't want to have sex with? What about all those people who want to have sex with me?
Fuck the root of the problem crops up again - I do not accept myself. I hate that I'm gay. If I could go back and tell my younger self that the bible is wrong, it's okay to enjoy what you enjoy.... yeah it's just not sex. It's everything I enjoy.
Whew look at all of that all or nothing thinking! More of that "If you like something, keep it hidden or someone will shit on it."
I can do this. I like what I like. I will learn to share that with people in the understand of having the correct time and place to talk about some things. It's okay to have things that I like and not share them. When interacting with others I will forgive myself for using toxic behavior in the past and do my best to learn to interact in healthy ways. Who I am is not destination to arrive at, it's a journey. Friendship is constantly renewed. You don't need to be perfect to be a friend. That goes both ways. Ah, my stating of how to live your life lost coherency. Good - being yourself is bigger than what you can hold in your mind and body in a given moment.
*sigh* Hard to do the above.
Now to sit mindfully and undo some shit I did to myself. You know things like programming myself to not be attracted to people during adolescence lest I think lustful thoughts and sin. My favorite is just wanting to look at a sexy man, and then use that to fantasize with... to want to be with a man to the point you'll be a reasonable human to interact with them more to get the sex. Then again what about all those people I don't want to have sex with? What about all those people who want to have sex with me?
Fuck the root of the problem crops up again - I do not accept myself. I hate that I'm gay. If I could go back and tell my younger self that the bible is wrong, it's okay to enjoy what you enjoy.... yeah it's just not sex. It's everything I enjoy.
Whew look at all of that all or nothing thinking! More of that "If you like something, keep it hidden or someone will shit on it."
I can do this. I like what I like. I will learn to share that with people in the understand of having the correct time and place to talk about some things. It's okay to have things that I like and not share them. When interacting with others I will forgive myself for using toxic behavior in the past and do my best to learn to interact in healthy ways. Who I am is not destination to arrive at, it's a journey. Friendship is constantly renewed. You don't need to be perfect to be a friend. That goes both ways. Ah, my stating of how to live your life lost coherency. Good - being yourself is bigger than what you can hold in your mind and body in a given moment.
