(no subject)
On demand body trauma after a failed nut attempt. Thanks to Patricia Taxxon's Wavetable for the sound track.
I did it...
Today I tired myself out emotionally with work. Going to the gym and sorting things about dinner I lashed out. I didn't realize how ill both my housemates were. I was out of emotional regulation and asking them to sort pizza seemed reasonable until they expressed they could not... I on some level was relying on others to aid me. It did not happen. I lashed out that I would sort it then as I walked out to go to the gym. I then apologized and they understood. I sat with my emotions they went negative and bumped into those around me negatively. This is what I never wanted to have happen; so I could never be me. I'm okay after being what I could never be.
Today I've been me.
So I've been me all day. Hell bonus - I ordered the next size down for my normal cigar. I am enjoying it. Old me would only have the biggest and always be on and ready to be performative with it.... I really want a good cigar. Smoking is bad... so... Yeah. I smoke cigars. I smoke... another thing I could never be because I hated my parents for inflicting their smoking on me.
Yeah childhood me.... you didn't get every thing correct on the first go. Let it go with me and let's go figure out how to play and play with others.
Today I've been me.
So I've been me all day. Hell bonus - I ordered the next size down for my normal cigar. I am enjoying it. Old me would only have the biggest and always be on and ready to be performative with it.... I really want a good cigar. Smoking is bad... so... Yeah. I smoke cigars. I smoke... another thing I could never be because I hated my parents for inflicting their smoking on me.
Yeah childhood me.... you didn't get every thing correct on the first go. Let it go with me and let's go figure out how to play and play with others.
authentic voice?
Funny how I miss those things I did before the house of me fell apart. That's the problem with having to make any effort to do anything not yours. I've done so much and made so much happen and in rebuilding my house of me I can't think of things I got done! That motivation method is so negative that it's got the memories out of me because of turning up anxiety to process into planning things with others or to enrich myself. The pathway to recovery is those roots of things that worked around the negative process.* My interest in Japan, eutopias (fictional and real attempts), thick media (books, movies, plays, and music)... is all me. It's no wonder I kept running away from people and situations when it got good. The other people got so sincere that it forced the hollowness of what I was going in to the light. I thought if I pushed hard enough I could get what I thought they were getting out of an activity. I mean fuck, table top rpgs I liked my dice and the journal of me as the character was more interesting than everything else. Fuck, I guess it's not only abusers who get make stories up with others. With the right trust you don't need control everything... that you can handle the emotions of others going places you didn't want to go. I guess the "illusion of control" goes both ways...
*: editing note - In some ways I had to of enjoyed what I did in libraries and enriching myself. I got to build connections between these partitions of self.
*: editing note - In some ways I had to of enjoyed what I did in libraries and enriching myself. I got to build connections between these partitions of self.
My cum tasted of strawberries.
Why do I got to be both? Being in multiple domains at once. Sometimes I want to go down to one. Sometimes I work all of them at once. I need an analogy for this. Get to it other domains... baltro time for boar.
Fighting the negative blarg sayer away
Deliberately went negative will today. Recuperating and processing what this means in terms of metering out my will
(no subject)
PNC Anger led to meeting my hypervigilant depression and let them know they can take a break@
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I don't care is a way to not deal with the overwhelming emotions than if I did...
I need to learn to care differently? Reframe? I'm just starting this thread.
I need to learn to care differently? Reframe? I'm just starting this thread.
(no subject)
Fuck - more than I realize, people experience things differently as much as there is a shared experience when with someone else.
(no subject)
I had a relaxing day.
Got some things done, but over all I had a good day.
Even had an amazing TF with my good boy Ezra. You are the best puppy a grandpa boar could hope for.
Got some things done, but over all I had a good day.
Even had an amazing TF with my good boy Ezra. You are the best puppy a grandpa boar could hope for.
(no subject)
Like fuck wow... If doing something doesn't get the same feeling.... examine my own feelings and what's happened. I don't need to be above it all.... it turns out to include me.