Be your self

[athelstanent]

All through life I thought the moment I figured out who I was everything else would fall into place. Another way of expressing this is to say "Be yourself" or "Do what you want to do." Today I've realized that answering who are you is the hardest task that I face in my life. I have some detriments to answering that question. First is the fact that my self assessment is always low. During the best moments of my life, my self assessment is about 4 out of 10. Most of the rest of the time I rate myself a 1 or 2. Second is the fact that I need external approval or I'll not give myself permission for anything. The flip side of this is that self control that is not motivated by guilt is difficult for me. Lastly, most everything that I have chosen in life has been chastised as wrong or bad. This mostly happened growing up. A good example was when I was six or so. I loved looking at maps. I loved the map for Mt. Rainier, and expressed that I wanted to go there. When we took our next vacation I was told that I was wrong for wanting to go to Mt. Rainier and I really wanted to go to the redwoods. This was simply not true, but I was a good boy and accepted it. There are more examples of this, but until I met my bunny, I never had anyone approve of my ideas.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out myself and what I want. As of right now either want everything or I want nothing. Some how I think I need balance.

Comments

[anthrorabbit.livejournal.com]

Okay, look. Your family sucks and anything they tell you is suspect at best and a dirty lie at worst. They never had (and still don't have) your best interests in mind.

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

I know but how do I get that into my head through my very thick skull?

[chahala.livejournal.com]

*blinks* I think what you want is your bunny and you have him already. Anything else, seeing the world, getting that new hot computer, just don't seem to be as inportent.

Its sounds like the problem isn't that you want everything, (It is nateral to want everything.), but that you don't seem to be able to put a value on the different wants. This want is more inportent then the other.

So, when you go home tonight you should probable take a look at what you have, bunny, relize that that is one of the biggest things you want in life. Then turn him into a wet panting and tired bunny.

Chahala

PS: Remember, otters are terrible scamps and any advice from them should be taken with the understanding that they are little hedonists at heart.

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

I need to be a little more hedonistic, and you are exactly right. I don't know how to put values on what I want. Now how exactly do I put that into my head past my thick skull?

Oh, I love making my bunny tired and panting. I might just do that.

I want it all...

[ghostbehr.livejournal.com]

OK So perhaps the title of a old Queen song is not appropriate, but it suits my mood :) So you want more things, better things, bigger things, we all do at sometime or the other. Thats just being human and there's not a lot that you can do about that, but you can always try :)

Of all the folks I know, you are one of the most accomplished and flat out nicest folks around and seem more contented than most. I am rather shocked that you rate your accomplishments and life so incomplete :( You have a wonderful partner, a decent job, and a really nice house. You also have friends who care about you and are not wondering where your next dinner comes from.

Families, especially dysfunctional ones, believe me I know what I am talking about here, seem to thrive on making the brightest and best of them feel like they are nothing. Perhaps it is akin to that old Japanese motto, "The nail that sticks up will soon be pounded flat". I think that some of it is that family members who have shitty lives see someone who is happy or on the path to happiness and then goes out of their way to make them feel terrible about themselves. Kinda like Shcadenfreude without the karmic justification.

As for your ideas, I have always had great respect for them and used several to great effect in both my home and work life. Face it dude, you are really damn smart and creative. I am frequently surprised at the ideas you have and really like listening to your opinions on things. Not simply because I am a friend, but because I frequently learn things from you. So stop listening to the nattering nabobs of negativity, thank you Spiro, and get back to doing what you do best, being yourself.

Re: I want it all...

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and I can say the same thing you said about me about you. We are good for each other in that way.

Now about being yourself... this is where this idea that pleasure is evil. To be myself means to face up that I'm not only the things you say, but that I'm also easily distracted, can't remember names, love smoking cigars, love scotch, like dressing up in furry costumes, love looking at porn, love my coffee, and half of the time would rather sit alone by myself instead of getting together with friends. That last one is very painful because going out with friends would make me happier. It's like my latest email sig "I know statistics, but I'm still disappointed that I'm average." Though I'm starting to realize that my velocity and acceleration are positive, and I just need to not get stuck looking at a local minimum.