Be your self

All through life I thought the moment I figured out who I was everything else would fall into place. Another way of expressing this is to say "Be yourself" or "Do what you want to do." Today I've realized that answering who are you is the hardest task that I face in my life. I have some detriments to answering that question. First is the fact that my self assessment is always low. During the best moments of my life, my self assessment is about 4 out of 10. Most of the rest of the time I rate myself a 1 or 2. Second is the fact that I need external approval or I'll not give myself permission for anything. The flip side of this is that self control that is not motivated by guilt is difficult for me. Lastly, most everything that I have chosen in life has been chastised as wrong or bad. This mostly happened growing up. A good example was when I was six or so. I loved looking at maps. I loved the map for Mt. Rainier, and expressed that I wanted to go there. When we took our next vacation I was told that I was wrong for wanting to go to Mt. Rainier and I really wanted to go to the redwoods. This was simply not true, but I was a good boy and accepted it. There are more examples of this, but until I met my bunny, I never had anyone approve of my ideas.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out myself and what I want. As of right now either want everything or I want nothing. Some how I think I need balance.