So how much do I hate myself?

[athelstanent]

Sitting with the notion that I should not hate myself for who I am has been interesting. This entire time my existence has been building a long list of excuses and reasons why I must hate myself. Most days I don't even think I should try to stop hating myself.

A few things that make sense now shifting my view:

* Hanging out with others makes me feel good. I hate myself enough to simply be alone until the need for touch overwhelms me. Most friend groups I've had I've pushed myself away from over time... again and again.

* Hobbes make me feel good. I hate myself enough to get all the things to enjoy something and then never use them.

* Conforming... I hate myself enough to conform to a standard my parents and society set. All the times I break out of conforming it is mostly to fuel the self-hate and to push others away.

* I hate myself enough to wallow in mild pain and discomfort after enjoying myself.

Getting out of this is just being mindful and living in my body. Some days it's meeting up with friends. Some days it's just getting my work done. Some days it's crying. Some days it's not letting myself cry. Most days it's finding the right mantra to repeat over and over again. My favorite as of late is "There is literately nothing wrong with what you are doing now."

Comments

[athelstanent]

The result of all of this is getting wrapped up in my own head with little perspective on anything. Heck to pull out an excuse: growing up being told perspectives on things did nothing for me. I mimicked my parents very well.