tautology bites me in the ass

[athelstanent]

At some point in existence, one simple need to take something as truth and build up a system for living. A good one is "There is an objective reality that I live in and share with others who also live in this objective reality." The trick is to sort through all of those other tautologies that one takes for granted and find the ones that are flatly wrong.

For me the idea that I have intrinsic value is so alien an disgusting that I honestly have a hard time remembering it. For fifteen minutes in therapy I would ask "What are we talking about?" to then hear "You have value just being." -- I'm not sure that's what was said, my brain has a hard time holding on to it -- My tautology is that one only has value in context. That what others would say or do say about who I am and what I do is the only way to know if I have any worth.

The trick is that I must find that I have worth with out any external context. Otherwise everything I do will be an elaborate show for others to give me context and value. It's good to know that after 18 months of therapy that I can honestly fight this tautology and change it.

Comments

[granbear.livejournal.com]

You Sir, are a fabulous array of organic molecules, proteins..in fact chemically there is probably only one of you. The fact that yer also sorta hot and smoke big pipes IS a bit of a bonus though.

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I am working backwards from my bonus areas to being alone. Email me and I can send you some links you may like of me and my bonus.

[anthrorabbit.livejournal.com]

You do have some pretty awesome molecules.

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

Well it not your molicules but what you do with them.

[bookherd.livejournal.com]

"That what others would say or do say about who I am and what I do is the only way to know if I have any worth."

This makes it sound like you are accepting (mentally) of compliments from others, which I haven't found to be the case. HMMM.

[bookherd.livejournal.com]

(I feel like this is one of those times I should mention that this usericon is the only one I have, and is not in any way intended as a comment on your post.)

[athelstan.livejournal.com]

I honestly don't remember compliments from any one else in my life. That's what makes my struggle so hard. My mind edits and rejects evidence that refutes my understanding of the world. I'm so messed up I think that it is rule of the universe (god if you prefer) that I am worthless.

I'm to the point that I can fight back. This isn't going to be easy and I'm not up to accepting complamnets.

[ssurgul.livejournal.com]

That's terrific work then, certainly!

The hardest part of actual self-discovery is always the 'I need no one to make me feel "good" about myself' step. The finding worth and value in you for being you, by yourself step. No one can show it to you, there's no Magic 8 Ball to show it to you; you've got to do all this slogging and aggravating and frustrating exploration. Congrats on making it this far!

[hendufmixe.livejournal.com]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aMzgVshG6CI