Okay day - okay processing

Two things... two years ago I told myself that I would not buy a new phone in two years. I just did and behold... the new fast phone doesn't do anything I do on the phone faster than the old one. The screen is slightly improved. In school I learned the phrase conspicuous consumption. That all this was. The deep seated notion that I can't feel like a whole person and enjoy life unless I have status symbols. It lines up with all my notions that I can't enjoy because I've not earned it and the us/them mentality. I'm just calling it out now because to heal this I just got to see it happening and then sit with my feelings and then send them on their way.

Second goes along with this. When did I let what everyone said about video games make me not enjoy them? Or much of anything... A simple plea would be for everyone to stop stating their tastes as something to be debated. Had a friend chatting about a furry artist. I stated that if I could patreon (a direct payment site to creators for fans) this artist any harder I would. He then mentioned that the artist makes faces a little lumpy. I mention that I'm looking at the bodies more. He says the bodies are lumpy... I say 'Guess I love lumps" and he says "uh huh". Fuck you... I get it. You don't love his art. I do. You don't like it. okay...

...I know I used to act like this. To use my taste to divide myself from everyone. I achieved it... no one relied on me for anything and I only had to worry about keeping my job. There was a small peace but it was mostly all miserable. I stopped caring about everything because I only cared about things if others would love me for it. Now I get to pull it all back in and learn to enjoy living for myself. I'll get it done and I'll try not to have too many self loathing sessions or emotional overload for just being so upset with realizing how well meaning parents and school and church set me up to fuck myself over and over for them. Oh wait... I was doing it all along.