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Doing the work
Oct. 19th, 2020 09:56 amI have been for a very long time a too open book about my emotions and dealing with my mental issues. I'm realizing for all of the good sharing it did that it's time to wind it down. I was using emotions and problems to get out of doing real work to change who I am.
I apologize to everyone for not realizing that I should not feed your thirsts and needs. For many people, I went along with what they wanted, even when it made me uncomfortable. In the end I had a messy time of drawing that boundary that should of been set up front. It felt easier to freak out and not spend time with people than to deal with the self-loathing.
Even though most of my issues I've told told people were real*, I was talking about them as excuses to avoid doing work on myself or actually being a friend. I was repeating generational trauma with out realizing it.
My privilege was not only having the ability to keep going to therapy to help with my issues and then to keep resetting therapy to use it as an excuse.
Resiliency is where my work lies now. I can accept that my life is worth living and do things for myself to make it amazing. It's not easy. I just want dissociate and numb out. It's like putting your cold foot in a warm bath. It hurts because it's adjustment and because it's the pain of injury.
*: I have lied. It was the sort of lie that I believed to my core, but it was still a lie. I'm still discovering all the lies and ways I used and manipulated others. It hurts as I promised myself I would never do such things that were done to me. Then I became what I hated. Now I'm treating the problem, and not the symptoms.
I apologize to everyone for not realizing that I should not feed your thirsts and needs. For many people, I went along with what they wanted, even when it made me uncomfortable. In the end I had a messy time of drawing that boundary that should of been set up front. It felt easier to freak out and not spend time with people than to deal with the self-loathing.
Even though most of my issues I've told told people were real*, I was talking about them as excuses to avoid doing work on myself or actually being a friend. I was repeating generational trauma with out realizing it.
My privilege was not only having the ability to keep going to therapy to help with my issues and then to keep resetting therapy to use it as an excuse.
Resiliency is where my work lies now. I can accept that my life is worth living and do things for myself to make it amazing. It's not easy. I just want dissociate and numb out. It's like putting your cold foot in a warm bath. It hurts because it's adjustment and because it's the pain of injury.
*: I have lied. It was the sort of lie that I believed to my core, but it was still a lie. I'm still discovering all the lies and ways I used and manipulated others. It hurts as I promised myself I would never do such things that were done to me. Then I became what I hated. Now I'm treating the problem, and not the symptoms.
