The Comfort of Darkness
Aug. 22nd, 2006 09:56 amI had a good talk with my wonderful husband last night. He helped me to see how I really am setup in a spiral depression. It works something like this
1. I'm not worthy because if I was I would be praised.
2. What I do is worthless because if it had merit I would be praised.
3. Any praisegiven to me is false because if they really knew who I am they would not praise me.
4. I am not important because if I were people would know what I want.
5. I can not tell others what interests me because I am not important.
This web of lies was all formed early on. I was smart and shy growing up. My smart and outgoing older brother and my young inexperienced parents thought the shy kid who was quiet and didn't cause problems didn't need any thing. Naturally I never acted out for attention because I internalized that "doing bad things makes you a bad person and bad people go to hell." Bad things included not recycling, not walking the most efferent path or having anyone else see me as bad, in other words shame.
If I follow my interests, don't tell any one what they are who can I expect praise?
If my efforts bring me pleasure why do I care what "other people" think?
I can not hide in the idea of what the "average person" does feels or thinks. I can not hide behind the idea that I am worthless.
Now to find the will and strength to go beyond all of this.
1. I'm not worthy because if I was I would be praised.
2. What I do is worthless because if it had merit I would be praised.
3. Any praisegiven to me is false because if they really knew who I am they would not praise me.
4. I am not important because if I were people would know what I want.
5. I can not tell others what interests me because I am not important.
This web of lies was all formed early on. I was smart and shy growing up. My smart and outgoing older brother and my young inexperienced parents thought the shy kid who was quiet and didn't cause problems didn't need any thing. Naturally I never acted out for attention because I internalized that "doing bad things makes you a bad person and bad people go to hell." Bad things included not recycling, not walking the most efferent path or having anyone else see me as bad, in other words shame.
If I follow my interests, don't tell any one what they are who can I expect praise?
If my efforts bring me pleasure why do I care what "other people" think?
I can not hide in the idea of what the "average person" does feels or thinks. I can not hide behind the idea that I am worthless.
Now to find the will and strength to go beyond all of this.