Apr. 29th, 2004

athelstanent: Anthropamorphic boar with big cigar (Default)
My friend John was right. Growing up the only thing I held on to was the fact that I was unique. I was alone, lonely, but at least I was different. Well now that I've grown up I realize that I am not that unique. That there are other out there that are geekier, kinkier and smarter out there. So the uniqueness I held onto was gone. To replace that I have met people I feel comfortable being myself around. One that I felt so comfortable with that I married him. But I still have not found a basis for self-identity. Guess I don't really need one. I could be part of a group, a collective, that I can loose myself in. That can be good, but it also goes against who I am.

When I was 17 I looked in a mirror at myself and asked aloud "Who are you?" I responded, in kind with "I am me." I just need more than that now. Still figuring out how I should approach answering it.
athelstanent: (Knight)
I don't want to be evil. But when ever I need to do something and I don't do it, I think I'm evil. That somewhere out there someone is watching everything I do, taking notes, and shaking there head in disgust. This is obviously how I was taught being raised in a christian church. That I can never have fun and enjoy life because I'm evil and should feel guilty.

Whoa. I'm going to stop here. If I went in to my journals from four to six years ago. I would see these exact ideas written down.

I'm stuck in a loop.

When I was 12 years old I went to church camp. At the end of the week I had learned that it was okay to have fun. To feel good doing things. Being around my bunny, and my friends I have moments where I do have fun and enjoy things. I even has small moments when I can just be happy to be alive as I look up through the canopy of trees to the bright blue sky. Now how do I become content standing still, looking at the back of my eyelids?

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athelstanent: Anthropamorphic boar with big cigar (Default)
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