athelstanent: (OtterSleeping)
[personal profile] athelstanent

Let me start that life is good and the job is great. Tend not to post when things are just ok. That would be my twitter feed of "That was yummy" or "Wow I'm tired" or "FF13 is fun."

So as I lay in bed last night whispering to my self "Hold me daddy" as another night of insomnia grips me I didn't know why I would say that and tear up. This morning trying to process it I come up with a few things that it is.

1. I want a cigar daddy to train me with regression to be a cigar slave

This is obvious. I am kinking and I like getting into character. The other thing is that one thing that I have a direct connection to is my own sexuality. It feels really good and I want to do what I reasonably can to make it better. It also fills in the gap that I'll point out number 3. I do have someone wanting to do this and I will likely travel for a long weekend of regression. So daddy would be my new cigar daddy.

2. Daddy is god as seen though my christian past

This is less direct. I've had a hard time with finding purpose in life. I'm much better about enjoying myself and living in the moment. I do have angst about what it all means and what is my life's legacy. Part of figuring it out is to explore my spirituality. It is very hard to explore this because I either need to accept that I had real divine moments as a christian, or face the fact that all divine feelings are fake. This has been a sticking point for a decade for me. I have rejected all feelings of spirituality because I rejected my christianity. The feeling of divine that I got when I was christian made me think that all spiritual feelings are self-delusion. Hence me wanting to go out to the wood and simply be. So daddy would be god holding me.

3. I hated my childhood and really could use a dad

I do not look back at my childhood with fondness. There are moments and people who were very good, but all in all it was crap. Not criminally bad, but not good. So I need a dad, and a mom to be there for me. I could use them now. So I'm busy working on dealing with all of this on my own. My parents were 19 and 16 when they married. Had a kid right after and me three years later. they were not ready to be parents and did not rise up to it. They were not bad, but wow they were not good. So daddy would be my real daddy holding me.

So I'm ambivalent about this all.
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athelstanent

June 2011

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