I can be fully me. Working on emotions and using those emotions to get thing done. I"m a grumpy old boar sometimes. That's okay.

Fine for dreamwidth!
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April 5, 2025 at 12:10 PM

What unifies cities in the PNW? Waiting in a long line for brunch on the weekend! The silly part is I went to Jam and that could be so many cities…..

… I don’t know why I’m posting this. Who is it for? Why communicate anything that you like to someone else?

Doing the work to sort myself has gotten me down to realizing that growing up isolated has baked so many negative things into my understanding of self and others. Radical acceptance and love is not enough. I got to accept that I need others. I need community. My emotions overload and boom… Back on to old notions and ideas about things. The reality is I’ve been accepted by group after group and then run away. How many years of wallowing in the acceptance that my continued issues are all on me does it take before I sort that Ira okay for me to like what I like? To be kind to others?

I am not better because I hate myself and pretend that nothing bothers me. I’m not better that I don’t need others.

I didn’t know that having no friends until HS and only being around family would lead to this. I didn’t realize my parents were as neurospicy as I was and tried to push it out me harder than their parents did to them. Especially after my older brother fucked over everything. I was left alone with books and being quiet. Dreaming of becoming a servant to someone else. Not even allowing myself to be the hero of a stories I was reading….
Wait. I’m listing out all the reasons that I should give up. Hell I call these my litanies. I got so many! I need to accept I have emotions. I need to feel my emotions. Sometimes I need someone else to acknowledge my feelings. I got choice. Then accept that interacting with others is part of existence. I’m so terrified of opening up to others. To share what I feel and think lest they shit all over me. Or dare to question me about them… yeah that particular part is trauma from the past. Or worse they hurt me and everyone ignores my screams.
It’s easier to people please and say the words to make someone laugh and smile. Then be alone in low grade misery (not too much misery lest I try to be less miserable).

Reading the dictionary doesn’t tell you how to use those words. Reading the encyclopedia doesn’t tell you how to live your life. Why in the fuck nothing tell me who to be?

Because I have to answer it.

That’s the only core of it. Accept myself and face the mystery of living for myself. Observing others and being hyper vigilant to never do the things they do that upset them doesn’t lead to any satisfaction. Fake it until you make it leaves you hollow.

In conclusion- everything I said I can bring up times in my life where I was fine. Okay and doing those things to live my best life. It’s fragile.

I do not know how to belong. I keep trying.

PS I’m tired from a long trip and had a complete emotion blow out with this. For those who read this…
‪Between me posting and removing it all once I get to my computer. Enjoy! It’s going away.

Greesy brings up a very specific felling, private for now. It's a way of being.

I can feel good.

I really wanted a son...

...I'm too damn old and Not sorted myself enough.

I'm getting there.

Trusting myself and others enough to belive others have poistve emotions for me is the care and work. I got this.

I BRED!

One of those squeakers has got to become my son!

I am enough for the now.
I nutted out so much angst!!
I need to create.

I needed to be alone so bad tonight.... my anxiety was so high....

Then my friend came over and we fucked and cuddled and I had fun with what I had.

Fuck yes. I'm doing it.

That.... that was a hell of a effort/reward cycle there. Whew!

I really am most me too stimmed up. That's a reality to process.
I really am a perv. Like imaginary only pervy kink.... looking forward to learning how to play better for this!
I really am sound orientated.