athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
Because you enjoyed

* This American Life: Season 2
* Fawlty Towers: The Complete Set

We think you'll enjoy:
Cosmos: The Complete Collection

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Con report after breakfast
athelstanent: (Knight)
Well, this is a common thing for me to happen. It's Saturday at a con and I have no one to see or nothing to do. The last two days have been great. Meeting people doing things, enjoying some teaser sex and today nothing. It's very frustrating because I took great efforts to make something happen today. No one showed up for the pipe furs outing. It's frustrating because I hooked up and met so many great furs yesterday. Here is the thing. In the next few hours I could get messages back from people I met and end up having a fantastic rest of the con. The trick is relaxing now, and not taking this personally. That's not easy for me, but that's the truth. All these people I met are doing things, or drank too much, or stayed up all night or... any thing. So this entry is for myself to help me sort out that there is nothing wrong with me.

--addendum--

Met up with someone and it didn't work and the man I really wanted to meet I got a hold of and will meet up with after dinner. So I'm off for a quick bite and then meeting him. See it did take some time and a hook up or two to turn things around.

--final update--

Met up with my platonic ideal and two of his friends... big time serious sex tonight. That is all. Nap then sex.
athelstanent: (Default)
Twit that you've never been to in-n-out and who's up for a late lunch!
athelstanent: (Tron)
Wow, finally at the con. Yesterday was a 20 hours from driving out of my driveway to getting to room. I had to turn around at Yreka to get chains, then to get stuck on the freeway when they close it. I took the California 96. A very nice drive but very slow. So I'm at the con and ready to meetup and have fun!
athelstanent: (Knight)
So I just got done with a hour and 40 minute therapy session. My therapist is generous and gives 60 minute sessions. He seems to be missing the point to why I'm still in therapy. It's less about what brings up emotions and about the fact that I deep on the inside repress emotions. My emotions tell me to quit, take some time off and find another therapist who is better suited to where I am therapeutically. It's been a good two and a half years, but I'm at a plateau. Thing is that all that I said is very emotional. I would be taking big steps back to start with another therapist. How to be honest to my emotions? Well I'm going have a cigar (a big filthy and phallic cigar) and sleep on it.

A new pipe

Dec. 22nd, 2009 08:52 pm
athelstanent: (BigPipe)
Greetings All

I got a new pipe from Boswell! www.boswellpipes.com They honestly have the best service. The posted new pipes on Tuesday and called in. I was the second caller of the day and the pipe I wanted was gone. We talked a bit about what else they had. He then asked me to wait and said away from the phone "Dad... how much for the pipe you're holdin'?" He sent me some pictures and I'm a proud owner of a double ringed smooth rhodesian pipe! Look at it! It's bigger, but not huge and so smooth. The grain on it is incredible!

In other news, Ratchet and Clank Future: A Crack in Time is the best game I've played in a long time. I'm a platformer and this game nails it. Great action, wonderful settings, glorious characterization and a tear inducing story. I bought a PS3 to play Ratchet and Clank Future: Tools of Destruction and this caps the current story arc perfectly!

Lastly I'm not visiting family this Christmas, and it is a burden off of my shoulders.
athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
I'm eating soup at No Fish, Go Fish. A good time to reflect as it was Bunny and me's favorite place to eat. I bought a house with him, learned Japanese, got a better job and have been therapy. Sadly I'm in the forest of therapy. I want to just cut all the baggage that weighs me down. Doesn't work that way. I deal with piece after piece and cast it overboard. When I'm done you'll see how wonderious the boat that I flow down life in really is.
athelstanent: (Pipe and rain)
Today I put on my rubber coat, loaded up my pipe and puffed as I walked. It was glorious! This is in spite of the fact that I needed gloves, to ware another layer under the coat, need rubber pants and ware shoes that do not have a cracked sole that let in water. Only made it 20 minutes this time, but it was a glorious soul healing 20 minutes.
athelstanent: (Rears)
So after being too nice at work and working three 11 hours days I'm tired. To top that off I saw an open heart surgery in person today. I was fixing a computer after a big fail at work. To top it all off I had a two part dream last night. Part one was my family together an me telling them exactly how I think the universe works from my agnostic, "there is no meaning to the universe and that makes it beautiful'. In the dream it was so nice to say it and so exhilarating. I then wake up, get up, piss and get back to bed. In part two they go off pray and say "the demons have been removed, come back to jesus." I then declare I am free, I get ready to leave and they dis-fellowship me. I'm happy for this and drive away to live a happy life. Then I got up and went to work.
athelstanent: (VoltanThighs)
It's so nice when you end up expressing you philosophy on life and remember what is at your core as a basis for understanding the life you live. It's not something that I'll post because while defining my point of view I'll use many words that are used by religions. The semantic baggage the words have means that this would need to be a one-on-one conversation. A conversation where most of it is talking about words and what they mean to you. I will start with this....

"The universe has no purpose, and that makes it glorious."
athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
Well after being down over the crap I had with therapy and trying to fix the monolith of shame, I decided just to get on with living. As the guilt and shame come up I'll deal with. My resolve is to enjoy work and get out and get some serious socializing and humping in. On top of this I'm going to make it as kinky as possible. Next up is to start finding a creative outlet to take up my time. On top of all of this is to take time off and just relax! This may mean more pipe session, but I'll be all right. Half way through my life I'll start smoking once every few days.

In other news I went down and visited my dad. Turns out as we had cigars, that his dealing with alcoholism and co-dependency issues is just like my dealing with depression. We both struggle with identity and living out lives with out raging emotions. I need more talks like this with my dad. Never had any before now.

Fun at PAX

Sep. 5th, 2009 02:18 pm
athelstanent: (What'sThisBear)
I'm a very contented man right now. I'll just post one picture...




All the great food and hanging out with friends it just can't get better.

Well it could but I don't think Ratchet's leather clad hands will run over my skin as he uses his wrench to loosen my tight nut.
athelstanent: (TotoroCurious)
I realize now that as I recover I don't document my recovery. I was down when I wrote my last entry. The comments helped me to focus on the emotion of my baptism. Then that led me to focus on emotions that blind and cause me to repress. It is about self-loathing and editing out the things that I've done that I hate about myself. So now I'm progressing on learning about blinding emotions and learning to see all of who I am.

Thank you all who comment. I may not be in the mood to respond but your responses help me to progress. They help me to not focus on the one thing I've figured out, but open me up to other possibilities.

Forgivness

Aug. 24th, 2009 08:24 pm
athelstanent: (Knight)
The job is going well. Life is going well. Makes it possible to really dig into my issues. For the last two and a half years I've been in therapy making great progress. I've hit another wall. The wall that's stopped me before. Let me digress to explain. I did bad things as a kid. Relatively mild things, but still things I felt deep guilt for at the time. The worst thing I did was masturbate and that was the sin that lead me to being baptized. Jesus forgave my sins and I could move on. Later on when I rejected jesus, I also rejected forgiveness. So how I get rid of guilt of childhood? I'm working on that. I'm doing well with things I do as an adult.

For all those who want to comment, it is easy for me to rationalize and logically deal with the things that made me feel guilty. It's dealing with the emotions. To be able to forgive myself in the way only god was able to do before. I don't believe in a god any more. What to do?

Note: I'm an agnostic. I concede there could be a god, but thus far I've seen nothing that shows me what god's will is for my life or anyone else life.

Update!

Aug. 17th, 2009 01:17 pm
athelstanent: (Voltan)
The new job is going well. Adjusting to the 4:15 wake up time to get into work at 6 am has not been too bad. Some evenings I'm just wiped out from exhaustion. Mental, emotional, or physical exhaustion is the cause. It makes sense that this would be the case. I'm pouring myself into a new job. I'm not going to take it laying down any thing that doesn't set right. So some things are on hold. I may not make it back into to fall term for classes. I'll take a look, but I doubt it. I'm also kicking ass in therapy, but that takes its toll as well. Getting better takes work. That's for sure. I do enjoy the fact that I'm only an hour away from being done with work. I'm home and done with things at by 3:15 on most days. My first full paycheck is this Friday. Soon will be PAX! On top of all of this I've been seeing more of my parents. It's been good. It's really annoying that they main reason I'm seeing them more is because they have a grand baby. I'm glad my brother and wife have a kid. I'll take interaction any way I can get it. Need to make a trip down and visit them. I'll talk with them and figure it out.

Work

Jul. 31st, 2009 05:32 pm
athelstanent: (Cigar)
Work is good. Taking calls. Getting used to a big place to work. Now getting my shoes shined at Broadway cigar. Learning that I have hope. That I can be myself, with out worry. That is all for now. Loving the 6am to 2:30 workday.
athelstanent: (Lightcyle)
So I'm having a geekgasm about the new Tron movie 'Tron Legacy'. http://homeoftron.com/ and http://www.flynnlives.com/ to give me a start. Apparently at comic-c on Daft Punk will be playing at Flynn's arcade! *MEEP* I have no problems of them going back to my childhood and exploiting this!

In other news work is winding down. I no longer have any administrator privileges and tomorrow should just be a clean up. Then I'm off to Shaniko. Monday I start my new job.

All is go!

Jul. 21st, 2009 09:35 pm
athelstanent: (TotoroCelebrate)
Well Friday is my last day at my old job. The old job where I wasn't happy, and on to the new job. The opportunity for happiness is there. It's not a given. I'll need to work hard. I'll need to change how I view myself and all that is around me. This is an inflection point and my slope positive.
athelstanent: (Cigar)
I took the day off of work. I ran around down town and then decided after getting a bday card with $40 in it, to go and have a cigar. I was surprised to find the shoe shine man was here. I got my boots shined! You know I'm going to get all of my shoes shined from now on! Not only does it help the shoes, if felt great! Take a look!
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