athelstanent: (Totoro)
[personal profile] athelstanent
I think I’m finally growing up. I’m realizing that the onerous task of living can only be done by me. The catch is that every thing is not fixed. Growing up on has the feeling of permanence. Then you learn slowly that things are not certain. You move, parents get divorced, things break, and then you find yourself changing.

I looked for who I should be in the library. I started with fiction. Fantasy and science fiction is where I got my dose of Life: The way is should be. Then I looked in sexuality books trying to find a home for myself. No luck their. They only confused me. I one point I looked at each chapter of Kinsey and tried to be that. Hite did not help, because I took every answer to every question she posed as a different answer. Ooops, turns out I don’t fit in any category. Most people don’t and those who do, are lucky. They fit a template. Answers given as a life style or living out the averages.

I know statistics and still forget that I’m a single piece of data. I think I should be the mean, or being a few sigma out is somehow who I am. I keep looking for certainty, but the truth is I build the life I want by setting up the circumstances and settings I like and thing becoming dynamic.

Hell, same thing with god. I give up a dogma, get trapped in living in the anti-dogma. How easily I forget the wise advice I got when I was 22. Religion is what you make it. There is no answer, only what you make of it. Life is what I make of it. I am trapped by emotions and thoughts 30 years old. Learning to feel and think with the default assumption that I am ok, is hard. I’ve had 30 years to craft a narrative that I am worthless. I built up ramparts and moats around that wrong idea pounded, mostly figuratively, into my head.

Why am I rambling? For myself, to sort out these ideas in my head. To realize that I know who I am and what I want, but I can’t be my true self as script and affectation of who I am.
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athelstanent

June 2011

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