athelstanent: (Tron)
[personal profile] athelstanent
Last week I went into therapy. This will be round three for me. I’ve had six therapists and a round 0 that doesn’t really count. My new therapist is very very good. He lists dealing with people with out an identity to help them establish an identity. He is the only person I’ve ever talked with who seemed to understand what I was going through. I appreciate my friends, but none of them seems to understand that I have negative self-esteem. That there is a part of myself that actively tries to subvert my happiness and enjoyment of life. It’s hard for people to understand that suggesting “Relax and do what you want” is that scariest thing for me. My therapist has, to me, radical ideas on how to confront my issue. He realizes that understanding an issue, being able to talk about how to solve it and going through the motions of fixing it, are not the same thing as feeling it and living it. I really do not want to be Apollo or Dionysus, but to be Cygnus. Thanks to Rush and their album Hemispheres for this idea.

Identity… that is an interesting thing for me. People who know me know that I have things I enjoy. Well, there is a rub to all of this. Allowing myself to enjoy what I do, and not feeling guilty for what I do. I also can get so wrapped up I can convence myself that nothing that I do is really what I enjoy. It’s just what I think I should enjoy. Then I try to figure out what is valid and how to test for that. Then it all falls apart as I have no way of knowing what or who I should be if I’m the only one that matters in it all. No answer to this one, yet.

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athelstanent: (Default)

June 2011

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